Mostly for myself. A documentation of my realization, discovery, and fight to find some sort of stable ground. DIagnosed with Major Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Panic Disorder, and Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.
This means everything. Thank you. I love you too <3
I didn’t see this coming.
If you had asked me last week where I would be today December 9th, 2012 I would have said at my home is Richmond, living with my two best friends, and working at my mediocre job. I was fine. I had a wonderful weekend. But i’m not there. I’m here. At my home on Long Island, with my family. This is because I had such an extreme panic attack after smoking weed that I ended up in the emergency room with a heart rate of 118. The next few days were the scariest of my life. Feelings of extreme fear, unreality, and a terrifying fear that I wasn’t going to make it to see the next day. I am too exhausted to write the details of all of this, but I wanted to write something. I feel depressed now. I forgot how awful this feels. Why is it that we can’t remember how that feels until we feel it again? Anyway, i’m scared. I wasn’t prepared to deal with this again. I didn’t see it coming. Not at all.
Is anyone out there?
This is so fucking hard. This compulsion is never going to go away, I swear. I honestly don’t know what to do. I have gotten myself so deep into it, so tangled, I am so lost in it I can no longer see a way out. Everything I do to get rid of it is just another compulsion, is just something more taking me further away from letting it go. Why do I need to figure it out, why can’t I just forget about it. Why am I trying to understand it. Why am I treating it like an intricate math equation where the answer is a solid, even number. No maybes, no faith, I need a concrete answer. I need proof. I don’t have a clue what I am even looking for, what I am even trying to get out of it, what it is i’m trying to understand. And the more I try to figure it out the deeper I get. The worse this gets. I can’t do this anymore. I really can’t.
Fear is still the driving force in my life. I can’t do it anymore. The fact that I feel the need to write here again, which is something I really haven’t done since i’ve been back at school, makes me realize how lonely and unhappy and confused I currently feel. I’m tired of searching for answers. I’m tired of spending all day, every day trying to convince myself to be happy, to not think about things, to not let the never ending pain in my heart take over. I’m tired of trying to convince myself that I am okay. I want to just be okay. I don’t like myself right now. At all. I want a peace of mind, more than anything.
It is good to laugh. Do it. Laugh at everything.
You know that feeling where something just hits you. Whether it be self-consciousness, sadness, a memory that breaks you heart right there on the spot. Yeah well when you feel that tell yourself it’s okay. Look around you. Recognize how lucky you are to be here, on this earth, alive and breathing. Even if things are less than perfect right now, even if you are struggling to make it through everyday there is no reason to ignore the fact that life in itself is a miracle. Take a deep breath. Remind yourself that you are you. You are happy with who you are. Even if you don’t believe it tell yourself you are beautiful and you are comfortable with yourself. Everything is fine not final. Let it be and let go.
I have never loved myself more than I do right now. That feeling is absolutely priceless. I just felt the need to document it, because I honestly think this is the most important realization I have had in the past few months, perhaps my whole life. I don’t hate my OCD. I am not mad that these things happened to me. That I was born the person I was, with the difficulties I was forced to deal with. I am not alone in this, I know my story is not unique. I know that so many other people have walked this road, and I think letting go of the anger you have towards your circumstances is Number One. Number Two is seeing it for the good things that have come out of it, because there are plenty believe it or not. And Number Three is loving yourself, accepting yourself. Realizing what a strong person you are. That you have this willingness and inner-strength. Through all of this that is what I have realized. How I did everything I could to overcome my OCD. It is not completely gone. I still struggle everyday to get better, but the more I learned about it the more I wanted to beat it. I have worked as hard as I possibly could, and have made so much progress. I am so proud of myself. It has made me realize what a passionate person I am, and how I am willing to do anything I can in order to achieve things for myself. It has showed me that I am hardworking, and I am smart, and capable, and worthy. Going through this has caused me to fall in love with dance al over again. It was something I turned to for hope and support, and has made me realize how inspiring art can be. I have also fallen head over heels in love with literature. This summer I have bought over 20 books, and am working on reading all of them. I have made the decision of being a Double Major in English. That dream would have never been possible without this year. The most important thing I discovered was my desire to help other people. I have always had that feeling, wanting to volunteer, but I have never been so serious about it. I want so badly to intern with TWLOHA, and any other organization that will have me. I honestly believe that is why I was put on this earth. WIthout this year, without me going through al of this I would not have become the person I am right now. I would have not been this passionate, loving, person that is so excited about life, and is so eager to learn everything that comes her way. My only hope now is to go back to school, and to continue on this journey, and use what I have learned to help others.
I thought this was something that would be great to share. This is Renee, the inspiration for the founding of the non-for-profit organization To Write Love On Her Arms. I have always been a huge fan of theirs, and I admire the work they are doing. During the video she says something that a friend had said to me at the beginning of my journey. That is, “It gets worse before it gets better.” He had been through his own battle in the past, and I think that anybody who has seen the light at the other end will tell you the same thing. If you are just starting to face your problems, if you are somewhere in the middle which is where I believe I am, it is so important to remember that there are going to be shitty days. There are going to be days where you wake up tired of the fight, and you just don’t have the energy to do it anymore. Don’t give into that feeling. Don’t believe it. It is a lie. You have to take it one day at a time, and you will find how much stronger you get everyday. Believe in life, and more importantly believe in yourself.
It’s okay to not be in a good mood.
For so long I was petrified of myself. Of my mind, of my thoughts. I was afraid of having the wrong thoughts, reading something that would spark a bad memory. I was so afraid of not feeling one hundred percent, because to me that meant I would spiral into depression again. Not being 100 percent all of the time meant I was weak. I’m sure you have heard the saying that goes along the lines of “You cannot keep out the bad, without also keeping out the good.” It is more than true. By being afraid of the bad I kept the entire world at arms length. I became numb, and I no longer was participating in my life. I was so focused on not rocking the ship that I ended up not moving anywhere. What I have learned from all of this is that it is okay to feel upset. It is okay to have that emotion, just as much as it is okay to feel happiness, or joy. What you have to do is not harp on it. I was always afraid of getting stuck in it, and I thought the best solution was to just push it away. Ironically, pushing a thought or feeling away will only cause it to come back later, and stronger. What I realized the best thing to do was to first Identify the Problem. By this I mean stop, and recognize what exactly that is making you feel this emotion. Whether it be sadness, anxiety, pain, disappointment, embarrassment, etc. You must first understand what it is you are feeling. Once you have done that, you have to think to yourself whether this is something that you can change, or if it is something that you need to simply accept. Once you have decided that, you have to accept what it is you decided. If you came to the conclusion that it is something that you can change then you must take the necessary steps to go about that, but if you decide that it is something you have to just accept, which is usually the case when it comes to pain, and hurt, then you must simply accept it. This probably sounds a lot harder than it actually is. Things happen, people come in and out of your life, sometimes there is no explanation for something that happened, or the way somebody acted and all you can do is accept it. Harboring pain, or resentment, or guilt will stay with you far longer than what the situation rendered. So just accept it. Just like that. Now take a deep breath, recall what it is that is hurting you, and as you exhale just let it go. You can do this as many times as you need until you feel it lift. Breath in and say to yourself let go. Let go. Let go.
I think i’m going to keep doing these “Tip” posts. Along this journey, I have not only gotten a lot of valuable advice and information, I have also had a lot of realizations myself. I think this will greatly benefit me to reference in the future, as well as the other people reading this. Even though it’s not many… lol
Note to Self
Letting go/Moving on doesn’t mean giving up. It doesn’t mean you and that person will never speak again. It doesn’t mean you and that person will never be in each others lives again. The truth is you do not know what is going to happen. We spend so much energy trying to predict the future, we forget that we don’t even know what exactly is going to happen ten seconds from now, let alone weeks or months, maybe even years. Because we can’t predict what is going to happen there is no way to prepare for it. When it happens we will deal with it then. Letting go/Moving on means that you are no longer letting that person or situation dictate your mood/day/thoughts. There are far bigger things in the world for you to spend your thoughts/time/energy on. Focus on the good things in your life, do things that are productive and that bring you joy, and when things happen you will figure them out then. The only thing worrying about the future does, is take away what you have right now. There is no better way to move on, or to simply be happier than to be in the now. Be present. Be right where you are. What has happened, has happened. What will happen in the future will be dealt with then. The only thing we have is right now. The only thing we are sure of is this very moment. Live right here, and good things will come to you.